Are You Kidding Me?
by I. M. Frelling-Wonko
Summary: SG-1 runs into a...tiny problem off-world. EDITED: 28 June 2016


**Warning:** Total PWP crackfic ahead! Ask me no questions because I have no answers. Seriously, I _cannot_ explain this. My only excuse for this was needing a break from my angsty WIP. I decided to do an alphabet challenge, a game my sibs and I played as kids. Althought, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure my older sister only came up with it as a way to keep us younger ones out of her hair while she studied...Anywho! I asked my favourite Evil Brat for a word list and this is what she came up with. Of course, I didn't bother to tell ger _why_ I needed said list. Sorry about that. ;) But, honesty, beetroot?! Evil, I tell ya! Okay, I'm going to shut up now before I go off on _another_ tangent. Enjoy!

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 **Thanks:** As always, the wonderful artwork accompanying this story was created by the ever fabulous Sarah J a.k.a. my partner-in-crime. You are the best!

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 **Disclaimer:** I don't own _SG-1_ and I'm not even sure I want to admit ownership of this "plot".

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 **Word List:** **A** micable, **B** eetroot, **C** raft, **D** rag, **E** nvelope, **F** riend, **G** host, **H** ouse, **I** nstinct, **J** uggler, **K** ill, **L** emon, **M** ist, **N** othing, **O** pera, **P** erish, **Q** uantum, **R** abbit, **S** tand, **T** ether, **U** nder, **V** iolet, **W** eather, **X** -ray, **Y** ell, **Z** oo

 **Are You Kidding Me?**

"You're wrong, Daniel."

"No, I'm not."

Albert Reynolds stood at the mouth of the cave, wondering if it was safe to enter.

"Dammit, Vala, stop throwing things at me!"

Nope, definitely not safe. He knew how accurate Vala was when she was angry and he wasn't about to become her next target. Besides, they weren't even his team members. With that thought in mind, he turned to Mitchell with a grin which his fellow colonel returned with a scowl.

"Well, you gonna go break them up?"

"Shut up, Reynolds." Mitchell huffed but moved toward the cave entrance with a **yell**. "Yo, kids, cool it!"

Reynolds turned to face his own team, rolling his eyes as the argument raged on.

"Hey, Princess, how about you stop pelting Jackson with rocks."

"He deserves it." Vala answered back, sounding petulant.

"Like hell!" Daniel shouted. "Ow! Dammit, Vala!"

"Okay, enough!" Mitchell yelled. "You two are acting like children."

"Are not!" came the simultaneous response.

Reynolds waited for the next retort but **nothing** was forthcoming. He looked toward the now eerily silent cave, wondering if Vala had succeeded in knocking Jackson unconscious. When the silence stretched on for a full 3 minutes, he blew out a breath and decided it was time to go in.

"Bosworth, Baker, **stand** watch. Harper, you're with me."

The two men cautiously entered the cave and were just in time to see a strange **mist** receding toward the centre of the chamber. Once it cleared, Reynolds' jaw dropped at the scene before him.

"Uh, Colonel?" Harper sounded just as dumbfounded as he felt.

"Yeah, I see it. Not sure I believe it, though."

In the centre of the chamber stood three children, maybe 4 or 5-years-old, swimming in oversized BDUs. And he knew without asking their names that they were indeed SG-1.

"Sir, we have to report this to Stargate Command." Harper told him. "General Landry needs to be informed of this...little development."

"Forget Landry." Reynolds grumbled. "General O'Neill is gonna _**kill**_ me!"

()()()()

General Hank Landry shook his head as he made his way to the infirmary. How did these things keep happening to SG-1? And why couldn't they wait until he retired? He actually felt bad for Colonel Reynolds. Throughout the briefing, the poor man had looked torn between amusement and guilt. He'd purposely sent SG-3 with strict orders to keep his flagship team out of trouble, but he couldn't really blame Reynolds. Anyone connected with the SGC knew there was no stopping SG-1 when they were in the mood to cause difficulties. And now that Colonel Carter and Teal'c were no longer with the team, there didn't seem to be a stabilising factor. He'd been tempted to add another member to the team but wasn't sure he wanted to subject any one to them. They were like a group of children sometimes. He groaned as he walked into the infirmary and realised just how accurate that thought was.

"Vala Mal Doran!" he heard Carolyn yell. "Get away from that **x-ray** machine, _right now_!"

Hank watched as a nurse went to **drag** a giggling, pint-sized Vala Mal Doran down from the portable machine and set her firmly on a nearby bed.

"Doctor." he said carefully.

"General." came the response, accompanied by a glare he knew all too well. It was the same one her mother gave him any time he did something stupid.

"What do you know so far?"

"We've determined that they've regressed to about 4 years of age." Carolyn told him with a sigh. "It seems to have reverted them entirely as there is no trace of naquadah in Vala's blood."

"Do they remember anything about their lives here?"

"It doesn't appear so. Either their minds are suppressing the knowledge or they really are children again. I'll have to run more tests to know for certain. And I need to know what did this to them."

"I've already sent a team to check it out."

"They asked about their parents." Carolyn said softly. "I didn't know what to tell them."

Hank rubbed his forehead. He did not need this right now. Before either of them could say another word, they heard a loud crash from across the room. Vala, Daniel, and Cam stood around a turned over tray, all looking exceptionally guilty.

"For now, they're free to go." Carolyn said in a tight voice. "Get them out of my infirmary."

Landry nodded and motioned for some SFs to gather SG-1. They already had orders to take them to a VIP suite. He was just about to follow when Carolyn's voice caught him.

"For the record, you are _never_ getting grandchildren." she whispered fiercely.

Hank only nodded, trying to hide a smirk at the adamant tone.

()()()()

Samantha Carter made her way through the familiar halls of the SGC, unable to wipe away the grin on her face. She'd never been more grateful to have the _Hammond_ on Earth for repairs. Of all the things SG-1 had gotten into since the beginning of the program, she'd have to say this was likely the most ridiculous. And she couldn't wait to hold it over Cam's head. Once he returned to himself, of course. Stopping in front of the VIP suite General Landry had directed her toward, her smile grew when she spied Teal'c approaching from the opposite direction.

"Had to see it for yourself, huh?" she greeted her old **friend**.

"I merely returned to Earth to deliver news from the Jaffa Council when I was informed of SG-1's latest predicament."

"Uh huh." Sam smirked. "Shall we?"

Teal'c bowed and opened the door, motioning for her to entre first. She did but stopped short at the sight before her.

"Kneel 'afore your Goddess or you shall **perish** at the hands of the Jaffa!" a tiny Vala ordered from her perch atop the table.

"You crazy." Cam told her, sitting cross-legged on the floor and playing with a little car.

Daniel just goggled at Vala, not saying a word. All in all, it wasn't much different from a normal day for this team, except they were far more adorable in miniature form. Sam moved further into the room, finally catching the attention of its tiny occupants. But before either she or Teal'c could say a word, Vala's face went white as a **ghost** and she jumped from the table.

"Jaffa!" she screamed and ran to the opposite end of the room, curling herself into a ball **under** the table. The sight made Sam want to weep for her friend's childhood, knowing this had been a normal part of her life. The two boys stood in shock, not quite understanding what was happening, but **instinct** had them taking up a protective stance in front of the little girl.

"Perhaps it would be better if I left." Teal'c said solemnly.

"No, we just have to let her know she has nothing to fear." Sam crouched down to Vala's level, a corner of her mouth lifting upward when the boys stiffened. "Vala, it's all right. Teal'c s a friend. He won't hurt you."

"Mother says to hide from Jaffa." came the tiny voice. "I want Mother."

"Your mother...she can't be here right now but I promise you're safe. Come on out so you can meet Teal'c."

"Why should I trust you?" came the belligerent response.

"Your mother's name is Fraya, right?" Sam used the information Vala had imparted on her during a girl's-night-in, hoping to garner the child's trust. When Vala nodded slowly, Sam sighed in relief. "Mine is Samantha and your mother...sent you here to keep you safe. Would she send you somewhere you could be hurt?"

"No." The answer was immediate.

"Come on out, sweetie." Sam held out her hand.

"Okay." Vala took the offered hand and stood, a shy smile on her face.

"Thank you. Now, I want you to meet my friend."

"It is a pleasure to meet you, young Vala Mal Doran." Teal'c knelt to her level, bowing his head with a small smile.

Vala bit her lip as she studied the large Jaffa, her hand tightening around Sam's. The woman smiled a little as she recognised the motion as one she'd seen adult Vala do whenever she was trying to understand something. Finally, the child gave a determined nod and moved forward.

"Hi." she said with a giant grin then turned toward the boys. "S'okay, he's a nice Jaffa."

"What's a Jaffa?" Daniel whispered as he and Cam slowly made their way over.

"You don't have Jaffa on your planet?" Vala's eyes grew comically large.

"Planet?" Cam asked with a furrowed brow. "You weird."

Vala stuck out her tongue at the boy and Sam had to hold back her laughter.

"What this?" Daniel asked, tracing the lines of Teal'c's tattoo.

"It's his emblem, silly." Vala answered before Teal'c could say a word. She tilted her head as she once again studied the Jaffa. "Who your god?"

"I no longer serve a god, Vala Mal Doran. I am free."

"Free?" The word was whispered with such reverence and longing, it made Sam want to cry.

"That's right, sweetie." Sam told the child, kneeling beside Teal'c so she could look her in the eye. "We're all free here. No one is going to hurt you."

Vala continued to study the grown-ups, her eyes heavy with suspicion. After a few moments, it cleared and the child's face lit up with another giant grin. "Okay. Let's play!"

Sam giggled as Vala took her hand and dragged her to where someone had set up a huge toy chest. She looked up to see Teal'c also smiling as he sat with Cam and Daniel, making car noises. Sam laughed at the absurdity even as part of her wished her former teammates stayed this age for a while. They were simply too cute!

()()()()

Landry resisted the urge to groan, but only just, as he listened to Dr. Rodney McKay go off on a tangent about Ancient **quantum** theory. It was times like this he wished Atlantis was still in the Pegasus Galaxy. But the man was the second-most expert on the Ancients and seeing how the _foremost_ expert had gotten himself into a huge mess, he couldn't kick this man out of his office. He simply reminded himself, _again_ , that he needed McKay to help solve this problem. Although, if he understood correctly, there wasn't much anyone could do.

"Let me see if I have this straight." Landry said, taking silent pleasure in McKay's obvious irritation at being interrupted. "You discovered an Ancient platform beneath a few layers of dirt."

"Yes, but-"

"And SG-1 just happened to be standing directly on top of it at the time of their transformation."

"I wouldn't say-"

"And because they were arguing like children, they were reverted back to 4-year-olds. Is that right?"

"Basically, however-"

"But you're also saying it's only temporary and they will return to normal over an unknown period of time."

"I'll have to do more research-"

"Will further research allow you to reverse the effects yourself?"

"I-Perhaps..."

Landry raised an eyebrow, practically daring the man to continue. He nearly laughed when McKay swallowed loudly as defeated anger washed over his face.

"No, Sir, I don't believe manual reversal is possible."

"Fine, that will be all, then." Hank stood and held out his hand, a signal that even McKay couldn't be oblivious to. "Thank you for your assistance, Doctor."

"My pleasure, General Landry." Rodney stood with a tight smile, shook Landry's hand and left.

Hank couldn't resist the laugh that rumbled from his chest as the door slammed. His mirth quickly died, however, when he thought about SG-1 remaining children for the foreseeable future. It had only been a day and he was already hoping the effects wore off quickly.

()()()()

Two days. That's how long it took Sam to convince Landry it would be better for everyone if SG-1 were to spend their second childhood off-base. Most of their antics had been rather cute, in her opinion. Vala somehow learning of **opera** and skipping through the corridors singing about the barber of Seville, Daniel turning the botany lab into an archaeological dig, even Cam pretending to be a circus **juggler**...with zats. No one really knew how he'd gotten his hands on those but her money was on Vala's already sticky fingers. Had she been born with that ability? But the last straw was when Vala decided the SGC corridors would look better in **violet**. Why Siler thought giving her finger paints was a good idea, she'd never know. And that was how Colonel Samantha Carter found herself at her **house** with three _very_ hyper 4-year-olds. She sighed heavily when the trio ran through the living room, playing a game that seemed to be a strange mix of _Indiana Jones_ meets _Alien vs. Predator_. Teal'c had gotten out of this ordeal by claiming he was needed for some Jaffa Council thing, the traitor. And why had Walter given them chocolate bars for breakfast?

"Honey, I'm home!"

Sam sent a silent prayer of gratitude to whomever may be listening when she heard Jack's voice, turning to face the man with a bright grin.

"Thank goodness!"

"That bad, eh?" he asked with a smirk as he headed toward the kitchen, hands full of grocery sacks.

"You have no idea." Sam sighed and followed.

Before either of them could say another word, the kids made another lap through the house, stopping abruptly when they spied Jack.

"Who you?" Vala asked without preamble.

"I'm Jack." he told her, raising a brow. "Who are you?"

"I'm Vala!" she responded proudly. "Vala Mal Doran."

"Nice to meet you, Vala Vala Mal Doran."

"You're strange." she giggled. "I like you."

Jack snorted at the uniquely Vala statement then nodded at the boys who stood behind her. "'Sup?"

Cam and Daniel looked at one another before turning back with twin looks of bewilderment, which was much more disconcerting in their miniature state because of the uncanny resemblance. Jack shrugged at their silence and returned his attention to Vala, who was tugging at his sleeve.

"What you bring?" she asked, pointing out the sacks he'd brought in.

"Food."

"Choc'late?" Vala's grin grew wide in expectation, earning a laugh from both Sam and Jack. Same old Vala.

"Yeah, sure, ya betcha." Jack pulled out a box of cookies, Vala immediately reaching for it but he pulled it out of her reach with a smirk. "Ah, ah, ah. These are for _after_ dinner."

All three kids groaned in displeasure.

"Let's go play." Cam said, growing bored.

"No, thank you." Vala said primly, a sneaky smile on her face. "I stay her wif Jack."

"Whatever." Cam shrugged and pulled Daniel from the room. Jack rolled his eyes and started putting groceries away while Sam went to make sure the boys stayed out of trouble.

"I help you?" Vala asked.

"Sure, kid." Jack agreed, not realising what he was setting himself up for.

"What this?"

Jack looked down to see what the girl was talking about. "It's a **lemon**. An Earth fruit."

Vala nodded, absorbing the information like a sponge. She handed him the fruit then reached into the bag for more. "This?"

" **Beetroot**." Jack continued to identify every item in the bags, understanding why Carter had appeared so bedraggled.

"I go play now." Vala finally said when he turned his back.

"You do that, kid." Jack sighed in relief as he listened to her footsteps slowly disappear then turned around to finish the job. His brow creased when he realised something was missing. "That little thief!"

"What happened?" Sam asked, entering the kitchen with a knowing smirk.

"Vala happened! She stole the cookies."

Sam rolled her eyes and shook her head.

()()()()

"We should have brought a **tether** for them." Jack grumbled as he followed the rambunctious tots through the crowded **zoo**.

"Remember, this was your idea." Sam glared at him as she attempted to steer mini-SG-1 toward the play area. Cam ran straight for the rope wall while Daniel started digging away in the sand. Sam laughed and shook her head as her eyes turned to focus on Vala. The girl was kneeling on the ground, he head tilted to look at something under a fake log. Curious, Sam made her way over to see what had caught the child's attention. She smiled when she spotted the ball of fur and sat beside Vala.

"What that?" Vala asked in awe.

"It's a **rabbit**." Sam put her hand out to pet the creature, nodding for Vala to do the same.

"Soft." Vala giggled, stroking it with a gentleness she rarely showed as an adult. The quiet mood was interrupted as Cam came barrelling toward them.

"C'mon, Vala!" the boy shouted, grabbing her hand. "Let's climb the big tree!"

"Okay!" Vala stood excitedly and raced away with Cam, leaving Sam to her own devices. She merely shook her head and stood, brushing the dirt from her jeans before making her way back toward Jack.

"No, Carter." Jack said when she sat beside him.

"What?"

"No, you cannot keep them."

Sam rolled her eyes but didn't contradict his words.

()()()()

Sam glared out the window, irrationally blaming the **weather** for her foul mood. It had been raining for three days straight, which meant she'd been stuck in the house with pint-sized SG-1. How did she become their guardian, anyway? Okay, so she'd volunteered herself because she'd thought it would be fun. But after only a week with them, she was not longer happy to have some time off. Hell, she just wanted to grab her ship and take off to the furthest reaches of the galaxy. Damn the Lucian Alliance for crippling her ship. And when the _hell_ was this technology going to wear off?

"Tryin' to will the rain away, Carter?"

She turned to see Jack leaning in the kitchen doorway, a smirk on his face.

"Where are the kids?" she asked warily.

"In the kitchen. I convinced them to sit quietly and do a **craft**. Probably won't last long, though."

"It's a reprieve, at least." Sam sighed. "Thank you."

Jack merely smiled and moved over to the sofa, groaning as he sat. Sam joined him, laughing when she unconsciously mirrored his groan.

"Looks like we're both getting old." Jack joked, earning a smack from the blonde. "Ow!"

Sam only had time to raise an eyebrow before the pitter-patter of tiny feet told them their short reprieve was over.

"I wanna do it!" Cam pouted.

"No, Danny does it." Vala argued. "He writed it."

"What's going on, guys?" Sam asked as the kids stopped in front of her.

"We maded you a present." Vala said proudly, a giant grin on her tiny face. "Cam and me drawed the pictures but Danny writted the words 'cause I can't spell."

"I coulda writed the words." Cam pouted, arms crossed over his chest.

"Can I do it now?" Daniel asked, sounding slightly exasperated at his two friends.

Vala nodded excitedly while Cam shrugged. Sam had to hold back a laugh at their antics.

"We made you a card." Daniel held out an **envelope** , a shy smile on his face.

"Thank you." Sam took the offering and opened it. Inside was a piece of construction paper covered in crayon drawings. A giant bunny resided in the centre of the page, surrounded by flowers and airplanes. There was no doubt in her mind of who drew what. At the bottom of the card, written in childish scrawl, was the message, "Thank you for taking care of us." Sam smiled at the scribbled signatures of each child.

"Do you like it?" Vala asked eagerly.

"It's beautiful." she answered.

Vala screeched in glee, jumping into her lap for a hug. The boys followed more slowly and soon she was covered in toddlers.

"Hey, what about me?" Jack asked, putting on a mock scowl. "I bought the cookies."

"You're silly." Vala crawled off Sam's lap and moved over to Jack, pecking his cheek.

Jack and Sam shared a grin.

()()()()

Sam awoke the next morning to the sound of raised adult voices and turned to look at the clock. 0700. She groaned, knowing she wouldn't be going back to sleep and got up.

"Wake up, Jack." She nudged him on her way to the door. "I think playtime is over."

"Dammit." the man grumbled but did as told.

Sam stopped in the doorway to the living room, watching as SG-1 did what they do best; argue.

"I told you that you were wrong, Daniel." Vala poked the man in the chest.

"Seriously?" the archaeologist blanched. "You're really going with "I told you so" right now?"

"Of course I am because I _did_ tell you so."

"Fine, you were right. Happy?"

"Immensely." Vala grinned smugly.

Daniel only rolled his eyes.

"Jeez, you two will fight over anything." Cam grumbled, shaking his head.

"Be quiet, Cameron." Vala said at the same time Daniel muttered, "Shut up, Mitchell."

"Whatever." Cam put his hands up in surrender and turned away as the other two continued to bicker.

"I liked them better as kids." Jack sighed. "They were much more **amicable**."

"I don't know." Sam said slowly, a sly grin creeping over her face. "Now that they're adults again, we can kick them out. And I still have three days before I leave."

Jack's eyes widened as he looked down at her, a matching grin on his face.

"Hey, kids!" he shouted, immediately gaining the attention of Cam, Vala, and Daniel. "You're all grown up, now get out!"

Without waiting for a response, Jack grabbed Sam's hand and dragged her to the bedroom. They heard the front door slam just before tumbling back into bed.

 **The End**

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 **P.S. ~ I regret nothing!**


End file.
